November 20

Every morning my wife stands on the scales dressed in her clown outfit. I love her funny little weighs.

My grandmother left us a family size bottle of fabric conditioner in her will. It’s a Comfort to us all.

Every evening I do cruel impressions of my teacher and my school friends. I’m a class act.

I can’t believe I’ve bought myself yet another expensive sedan chair. I always get carried away.

I’d love to study the contents of Aladdin’s lamp. I’m a genieologist.

Why did I free that kidnapped prison warder? I must have a screw loose.

There’s understandable outrage about the people of San Andreas naming their most famous feature after me. But it’s not my fault.

It’s taken me ages to invoice the Italian Capital Regeneration Forum. Ah well, Rome wasn’t billed in a day.

I wonder if it’ll be worth going to the ‘Learn Braille in a Day’ seminar tomorrow? I suppose it depends on how I feel

I only buy 7″ records. I’m very single minded.

I once saw the star of Planet of the Apes eating in the Fat Duck. “Blimey,” I thought, “Heston’s blooming tall.”

My mother told me that the maternity ward she was in had a huge notice that said: SMOKING NO PLEASE. I was born under a bad sign.

I’m getting rid of my Morphy Richards Bile Blender. It makes me sick.

You’ll never catch me moaning. I’m a groan man.

I poured luminous paint into my boss’s filing cabinet. He gave me a glowing report.

On Thursday my palm disappeared. Yesterday my nails vanished. And today I lost my knuckles. It’s all getting out of hand.

My biscuit just sang Yesterday, Moon River, Mandy and Love Me Tender. It’s a four tune cookie.

You’ll never catch me coveting other people’s lions. I have my pride.

I’m going to the San Diego Film Festival next week to see a recently discovered outtake from The Search For Spock. It’s a bit of a Trek.

The fella in the joke shop said I looked a pillock wearing the false beard I’d just bought. I took it on the chin.

I just filled my ears with concrete. I’ll do anything for a quiet life.

For Children in Need I walked to work in my teabag costume. I got mugged.

I’ve just turned the radio dial between Radio 1 and Radio 2 and they’re both playing Roxy Music. It’s across channel Ferry.

There’s a new holiday resort in the Bahamas called Jester Heaven that’s just for comedians. It’s a fool’s paradise

I find it incredibly easy to say the word ‘fall’. It just trips off my tongue.

I’ve always been unspecific about my gender. Call me ish-male.