I’ve heard, unofficially, that I’m the winner of this year’s ‘Overdone English Breakfast’ competition. I just need to get it very fried.
Just finished a massive plate of knotted spaghetti. I do love tie food.
I suppose it is excessive to use a forklift truck to move my case of whiskey. But it’s really lifted my spirits.
When I rang the speaking clock it said: “Buy yourself a fucking watch you useless twat!” It was Greenwich Mean Time.
My wife’s ecstatic because I’m going to seal her up in a box this evening. She just can’t contain herself.
All I keep thinking about is Texas. It must be my current state of mind.
Had a fantastic time at the Tug of War Christmas Party last night. I pulled.
I never thought all this cycling would result in so many boils. Still, it’s made my lance arm strong.
My suggestion to WH Smith that they flip all of their kids’ books has really paid dividends. They increased their annual turnover by 100%.
My travel chess delivery business has been running for three days and I’ve already had one return. Ah well, it’s only a little set back.
I can’t believe I’m putting fucking holes in walls and covering them with fucking mesh! Ah, don’t mind me – I’m just venting.
My sister went all the way to Australia to fetch a green traffic light. She’s always been a bit of a Go getter.
So what if I glued together some antlers, fur, hooves and a copy of ‘How To Live an Ethical Life’? At least I’m making an honest buck.
My pet parrot has just said that he finds my squawky voice really irritating. He can talk.
I’ve set up home in the hat of U2’s guitar player. I like living on The Edge.
Should I go for that extreme makeover where they laser loads of beauty spots on to your face? Or is that a bit rash?
Every time she types, my secretary really hammers down on the a, e, o and u keys. I only keep her on because she’s easy on the i.
It must be very hard being a Phrenologist in this day and age. I take my hat off to them.
I’ve just donated to the Dried Grape Appreciation Society. They’re all about raisin awareness.
My poor mother’s had yet another visit from the Goose Feather Reclamation Society. They’re really getting her down.
My wife’s invited a whistleblower from the Trebor factory to spend Christmas Day with us. She does love her mint spies.
My wife’s been feeling a bit down recently so I bought her one of those Stannah Stairlifts. It chaired her right up.
I suppose I could propose to my girlfriend by bellowing “Marry me! Marry me! Marry me!” But I don’t want to leave it to chants.
My wife really wants to massage me with embalming fluid. Over my dead body.
I’m all wet and covered in petticoats. I fell into a slip stream.
I fucking hated being trapped in that bastard police kettle last week! Sorry, I’m just letting off steam.
I’ve exhausted myself looking for low fat yoghurt in the fridge. I’m so out of Shape.
The new BBC Stationery Channel is a bit off a rip off. It’s pay-per-clip.
Tonight I’ll be sleeping inside a low fat yoghurt pot. I like to stay in Shape.
I decided not to get a prosthetic nose. I’m just too picky.
“It’s only fair that I’d want to share me removing hair like I just don’t care!” Sorry, I’m just waxing lyrical.
I loved being kettled last week. I was in my element.
Did you hear about the spy who disguised himself as an ornate glass vase? His cover was blown.
For our starter my wife told me a story about a well-endowed shrimp that impregnated a whale. It was a great prawn cock tale.
We’re having DIY turkey for Christmas dinner. We got it from Homebaste.
Just been visited by a frightening apparition who took me to the first Italian restaurant I worked in. It was the Ghost of Christmas Pasta.
I’ve bought my wife a midget transvestite for Xmas. It’s not her main present – just a little stocking fella.
A little fella just ranted and raved at me about the loose bulbs in our Christmas tree lights. It’s elf & safety gone mad.
I’ve bought my wife a prosthetic leg for Christmas. Obviously it’s not her main present – it’s just a stocking filler.
I’ve just started to eat my antique recliner. I’m going to be full of good chair this Christmas.
JOKES. PUNS. ETC. 