Didn’t expect to be so long at the ‘Interpreting Meals Through Dance’ workshop. I had to skip lunch.
Very excited to take part in the ‘Grow a Garden In Your Clothes’ workshop today. I soiled my pants.
Slightly nervous about my new venture creating a strategy board game for the partially sighted. It’s a big Risk.
Came home to discover my wife had drawn eyes on top of the fridge, washing machine, toaster, kettle & cooker. Things are looking up.
When I’m working I like to be referred to by my full title: Head Lice Removal and Management Operative. No, it’s not just nitpicking.
I finally confessed to my wife that it was me who sold all of our gold picture frames. I couldn’t live with the gilt.
Warren Mitchell was never allowed to smoke real tobacco or drink real beer while filming Till Death Us Do Part. Alf and safety gone mad.
A degree from Yale always opens doors.
Was late home after having unexpected sex with a stranger on the scales at Boots. Ah well, it’s not often I get weigh laid.
Only just home from last night’s Chubb work do. They had a lock in.
Kenny Dalglish is giving a lecture in the forest behind the Bryant & May factory. It’s a pre-match talk.
Any truth to the news that I’ve taken in a psychotic live-in-lover? Nope – just a vicious roomer.
There’s a bloke in our pub who thinks he’s two different types of storage. He’s a real basket case.
My wife and I love playing with the one armed bandit in our bedroom. Nudge, nudge, know what I mean?
Just rang to enquire about buying a fruit machine. They put me on hold.
I see Harrods are selling retro toys from 80s American kids’ shows. Reminds me of the Alf I had.
I’m currently running up and down Tesco’s herbs and spices aisle. It’s a great way to pass the thyme.
After sitting in a bowl of herbs for a year, my old shoes are now as good as new. Thyme is a great heeler.
It seems that everyone wants to know my secret family recipe for Superglue ice-cream. But my lips are sealed.
My brother’s always bragging about how he survived being trapped on a mountain by eating his own leg. He’s full of himself.
Today I donned my goggles and put together a bronze statue of my favourite film star. Tuesday weld.
I rang The Disney Store to complain about my daughter’s broken Eyore puppet. They put me through to the re-tail manager.
Surely someone will give me £100 to fund my research into decreasing sea levels. It’s a drop in the ocean.
My GP rang to say that checking the heaviness of my coffee mug might solve the mystery of my shoulder pains. It was a weigh cup call.
I used to go out with a girl who insisted we spent all of our time cuddling in a hammock. We fell out.
I accidentally dropped a brand new ream of see-through paper in the river. It sank without a trace.
Was arrested for tapping the toilets with a metal teaspoon in the Armitage Shanks showroom. They’re charging me with loo ting.
To attract the ladies my grandad threw himself into an industrial mixer with a load of fruit and berries. What an old smoothie.
Just back from a very inspiring visit to the Green Traffic Light Company. It’s all Go down there.
Just got a temporary job at The Perfect Parasol. I’m doing holiday cover.
Spending the afternoon riding round on the Big Ben sightseeing bus. It’s a great way to pass the time.
I’m watching an indoor football match at Blickling Hall where they’re using fireplaces instead of goals. It’s a game of two hearths.
Before we have sex my wife insists that I wear the cheap wig she bought for me last year. I don’t mind – it’s a small price toupee.
I just saw Queen Guinevere with a bright red rash all over her chin. Looked like she’d had a very rough knight.
JOKES. PUNS. ETC. 