October 31

A few more jokes/puns from the last couple of days – including some with a Halloween theme. Whoooh!

I keep leaving MENSA questionnaires in my GP’s waiting room. I’m really testing his patients.

I was really annoyed when the council erected a tiny fence all the way around my house. But I soon got over it.

The Japanese have made a Godzilla porn film where he goes to New York and has sex with its most famous statue. What a fucking Liberty.

Our very wealthy friends are going on holiday to Mars next year. I tell you, it’s a different world.

Every time we have intercourse my wife dons a ginger wig and a red nose. Very fucking funny.

I see health and safety loonies are raising concerns about the Gloucestershire cheese rolling event again. It’s a bloody disc race.

Every year I dress up in a harlequin outfit and masturbate into the royal box at Wimbledon. I’m the court jizzter.

I’ve just been mooned at by Bobby Charlton’s brother. What a Jack ass.

In an attempt to attract more tourists, National Heritage are erecting a ski run at Stonehenge. It’s a very slippery slope.

My friend Ian’s been banging on and on about his shop that sells clockwork toys. He’s a real wind up merchant.

“Contrary to popular belief,” said my two-year-old daughter, “Thomas Crapper didn’t invent the loo.” She’s very toilet trained.

I just watched ‘The Pickfords Story’ on TCM. Very moving.

I bought far too many drawing pins for my office notice board. I hope it’s tacks deductible.

When I was a kid in the 70s it was always my brother who was bought the comics & magazines. I never got so much as a Look-In.

I’ve spent all afternoon laughing and joking with my pet owl. What a hoot!

I’m looking forward to the new BBC documentary series about alcoholic Victorian painters. Episode 1: Turner & Hooch.

Loads of noise here at the film festival about Horror, Sci-fi, Romance and Comedy. But it’s all quiet on the Western front.

My daughter refused to go trick or treating at our local farm. She wouldn’t say boo to a goose.

I’ve spent all night serving Count Dracula every cocktail on our menu and he’s *still* not happy. What does he want, blood?

My ex-wife’s cat just came round trick or treating. I thought it looked familiar.

I’ve fashioned a jacket from a hundred copies of The Bonfire of the Vanities. It’s my wear Wolfe costume.

I’ve wrapped myself in long strips of sugared pastry for tonight’s Halloween fancy dress party. I’m going as a yummy mummy.

David Cameron & Nick Clegg will be visiting loads of the poorer families in London tonight for a bit of trick or tricking.

People knock David Cameron but at least he’s well-prepared: he’s been walking round with a big scary pumpkin head for ages now.

We’re currently at that new Zombie Play Barn. I have to say, it’s pretty dead in here.

“Go and do some apple bobbing”, I said to the kids. That’s my iPhone ruined.

Dr Frankenstein once employed me to dismember the sexual organs of a male corpse. And after all that, he gave me the sac